Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
