It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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