I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
