I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
