Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
