we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
