Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
