i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
