he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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