i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
