i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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