Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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