i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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