3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
All the doctor said was why
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
