I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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