Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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