Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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