I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
