Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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