so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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