I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
50% drunk capacity currently
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
