You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
