So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
