At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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