So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
