when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
