Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
