I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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