just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize