Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
