FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
