just come out here and I will go home with you...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
