Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
