my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
