yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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