You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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