Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
