Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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