Define "chronic" masturbator.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
