dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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