I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
