3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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