I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
