We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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