Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
