No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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