So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
