how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
