Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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