Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
