She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
