Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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