I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
