She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize