we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
