so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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