I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
