Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
