And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
