Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
